Conservative Politics Today

FADE IN:

INT.  OVAL OFFICE — MORNING

David Axelrod sits behind the President’s desk, feet propped up, speaking ardently into the phone.

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid sit in chairs on the opposite side of the desk, listening intently to the phone conversation, while trying to appear disinterested.

Barack Obama serves Pelosi a cup of coffee.

OBAMA

One lump or two?

PELOSI

I want it all.

OBAMA

Pardon me?

REID

She said she wants it all.

PELOSI

Don’t try to place limits on me.

Obama pours coffee into the sugar bowl and hands it to Pelosi.

Axelrod suddenly leaps from his chair.

AXELROD

(screaming into the phone)

Rahm, you tell Carville, Stephanopoulous and Begala they will stick with the script or I will shut them down.

Axelrod slams down the phone.

Startled, Obama jumps.

AXELROD

Save it for the court, Skippy.

 

AXELROD (Cont)

Nancy, what is the status on the stimulus.  I hope you are doing better than Reid. Not one Republican vote in the House.  Unbelievable!  Any fool can get one vote!

PELOSI

(proudly)

I have three; Snowe, Spector, and Collins.  How is that for bipartisanship?

AXELROD

It’s going to be tight.  It’s going to be tight.

PELOSI

My plane is currently on the way to Florida to pick up Kennedy.  Let’s hope he doesn’t have a seizure during the vote.  He might hit the wrong button.

AXELROD

Good thinking, Nancy.  Have someone there to pull the switch for him.

AXELROD

What did you think of Skippy’s speech the other night?  Pretty good, don’t you think?

PELOSI

Brilliant.

REID

Very funny.  I almost wet my pants.  But I didn’t.

 

Obama nervously hands Axelrod a cup of coffee.

OBAMA

About that.  May I ask a question, sir?

AXELROD

Talk fast.  We have a lot to do.

OBAMA

I don’t understand.  Why are we spending $600 million on a fleet of cars?

AXELROD

First, they will be more fuel efficient.  Second, we have to pay back those unions that helped raise money for your campaign.

PELOSI

I want one to match my skin.  It’s all the rage.

REID

(Clapping hands)

Oh, that will be nice.  What shade of gray are you looking at?

OBAMA

No, I mean why are we supplying cars for elected officials and government workers?  $600 million is a lot of cars. Why can’t elected officials and government workers drive their own personal vehicles like everyone else?

 

AXELROD

Don’t you worry your pretty little head about that.

PELOSI

Speaking of pretty heads.  We have to reinsert the $335 million for STD treatment and prevention.

REID

Don’t forget the $246 million for big movies.

PELOSI

Thank you, yes.  And, it’s also a good idea to allow Hollywood stars and elected officials, to write off their plastic surgery as a business expense.  Battling disease and age will cause big stars, such as Pam Anderson and Cher, to go broke.  Then who will fund us?  I mean,it has cost me a fortune so far.

OBAMA

Speaking of taxes, who does yours?

 Axelrod, Pelosi, and Reid burst out laughing.

AXELROD

Skippy, all these years we’ve known each other.  I had no clue you were funny.

AXELROD (Cont)

Nancy, how many workers are there in your state of California?

PELOSI

About 300 million.

AXELROD

How many are currently unemployed?

PELOSI

About 200 million, with an estimated loss of 250 million jobs per month.

AXELROD

That’s a god damn tragedy.

OBAMA

Will you be needing anything further?

AXELROD

You have some place to be?

OBAMA

Yes sir.  I want to bounce a few in the bowling ally.

AXELROD

Bounce a few what in the bowling ally?

OBAMA

Basketballs.

PELOSI

Why in the bowling ally?

OBAMA

I want to see how well the floor will work on the basketball court I’m having installed in the Lincoln Bedroom.

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